Heartbeats, exploding stars, and aluminum foil
>I keep forgetting to buy aluminum foil from the grocery store. It distracts me in thought, but escapes me when I am shopping.
“A heartbeat on an ultrasound looks like a little flashing star” She says.
Maybe the heart of a child looks like a blue flash, like a galaxy millions of light years away finally reaching a message to earth that it was born billions of years ago.
“The most distant objects are blue light clouds… beginning its journey through space over 10 billion light years ago, so we see the clouds as they were when the universe was only a tenth of its present age.”
I think that the blue galaxy is probably dead, but it took its own lifetime of light years across the universe for planet earth to see.
Does it really have to take my lifetime to let you know I was born?
It took the end of her life for me to realize my intention to call was too late. I realized I treated a few people poorly because I missed her. Now she is dead. And now there are not enough light years in the world that could give her the message that her kindness touched me. And that I considered her a friend, and that I missed her long before her death.
“Should I be learning a lesson right now?” I ask myself. For some reason, I don’t know the answer to that. I don’t know when I should be learning my lessons, if my heartbeat feels like a fading flashing star. What I have learned is that eventually our heartbeats will die and disintegrate, like an exploding star turning to rock in outer space. But that’s not the lesson I thought I would be learning right now.
I am moving to a new home before Ramadan month, but I am still looking for my place in Palestine, to find my orphan. She is in what looks like a jail, 11 years old and locked within the borders of Gaza. One month ago, when I started sponsoring her, I realized it took me 11 years to see her blue flashing star, to receive the message that she was born from what feels like a million million stars away.
So we rest with our dreams. We sometimes rest with our nightmares. Sometimes we are resting with nothing.
Aluminum foil is still forgotten, because I remember her.
Flashes and explosions. Idolization and haunting. Dreams and nightmares. Life and death. We get to have it all, but we always think we need more. To look more beautiful, feel more beautiful, be a better person, make smarter choices, and make more money. But I still don’t know what they expect me to buy that will give me all of it.
How do you explain what the world is, to a child?
We have everything; we have been given the earth. What we cannot have is each other.