>First, I have to begin by saying that for the first time, I used this blog as a way to vent in a uncensored way. So I have to apologize ahead of time for not restraining myself from my frustration and I am truley “having a moment” right now.
I am not feeling so motivated this year for Ramadan. I am fasting, but I hate doing it alone. My family members don’t do gatherings at their homes or go to the mosque, my friends eat in front of me and pick fights with me (causing too much drama and gossip which would also break my fast), and Taraweeh prayer is too late for me so I don’t get to spend time with other people at the mosque. I feel so isolated, and I just feel upset and discouraged about it all right now. Even at work, people are not supportive at all about the fast, they don’t remember I am fasting, and if I look tired they tell me to eat or drink and that they don’t understand why I am starving myself until I am sick to my stomach!
I have to trust that Allah can see all of this resistance, misunderstanding, judgment and lack of community I have during Ramadan and in being a Muslim. He has to see that this is much more difficult than just “going along with it” like some people do in Muslim countries. I have to get some credit for fighting as hard as I do every day just to be able to say “I am fasting” or “I am a Muslim” or “I don’t drink alcohol”. It’s not easy here. It always comes with judgment. You are always questioned and have to be a lesson to others as to why Muslims do what they do in the first place.
In ways I regret ever living with myself, and alone. I think it was a poor decision. I should have found a friend to live with or I should have just stayed with my parents because now I just have this big old townhouse by myself (well, with Harley) and its just all quiet all the time- no one to wake up before sun rise to eat with me or drink coffee, no one to break their fast with me in the evening.
The only reason I do this is because I am trying to achieve some sort of spiritual cleanse during this month.
As a psychologist told me, I need to stop focusing so much on my differences with people and more on the similarities. But isn’t that foolishly optimistic? I mean most people here don’t support a Palestinian statehood, or they don’t care. Most people are not Muslim. Islam is a way of life, it is not something I can just put to the side and say, “it’s okay that you don’t fast and want to eat right now, I don’t mind!” when really I am hungry and thirsty, and I think it’s rude for them to do it in front of me.
I feel really isolated and would rather not talk to anyone because everyone is making everything worse for me! I would rather be alone by my own merits, than try to get together with people that make me feel even lonelier.